Perfectionism - friend or foe?

I am a card-holding perfectionist. I hate to admit. This has been a major source of stress throughout my adult life. I do not recall the perfectionist pattern being so much of an issue in my childhood, though there the pattern would have started, to then insinuate itself, surreptitiously but insistently, during my adolescence to become firmly entrenched in my adulthood.

 I draw the distinction between ‘perfectionism’ and just wanting to uphold high standards and do things well. Nothing wrong with wanting to do things well! In fact, I would encourage it - but not if we base our self-worth and, by extension, our perceived acceptance by others (and our society at large), on having to uphold unrealistically perfectionistic standards.

Perfectionism and low self-worth often go hand-in-hand. We are not born with low self-worth; it is trained into us or formulated by ourselves in an attempt to make some sort of sense out of our experiences. Somehow, somewhere, we perfectionists got the message, or decided, that we had to maintain the bar at a high, and often unattainable level, to gain acceptance and approval from significant others (if not our very selves).

When we do not perceive ourselves as worthy - as we are - we will often put on that false mask (of perfectionism) to hide our essential self in the hope that others will be more accepting and inclusive of this false version of ourselves. This is endemic. Look at Facebook. Of course, this whole process is ‘ego’ driven, as are all desperate tactics to survive.

The primal unconscious drive behind this behavioural habit is to have our basic survival needs met and to avoid punishment.

Very often this whole process started in childhood – when we were so impressionable and programmable and when we so easily formulated meanings, beliefs, and resultant attitudes and behaviours, in response to our early life experiences and, particularly, our relationship with our early caregivers. This whole pattern is very influenced by our perceptions of how we were regarded by our early caregivers and our understanding of how we felt we had to be to gain the acceptance that we needed.

This is not a blame-game as we are all heavily subject to societal influences that might override, well-intended family dynamics.

In response to some of our formative experiences we might have unwittingly decided that we were bad, flawed, unacceptable, unlovable and just wrong as we were. This often creates a shame-based personality. Innately knowing that we were dependent upon the families and societies in which we were immersed, we would have had to adapt to how we perceived others wanted us to be – in order to get our basic needs met survive. And that is survival of our psyche as much as physical survival.  Thus, we might have appeased and behaved in a way that we believed was acceptable to our significant others and society in general.

As a result of this unconscious process, we often lost sight of our real selves and our real values, needs and desires. If we did not receive that mirroring and attunement from our parents and caregivers – that should have been our birthright – we did not even know who we truly were and often did not develop a healthy sense of ‘self’. What might have been a healthy self-acceptance was replaced by the need to become other than whom we were – in an (often futile) attempt to gain that acceptance from others.

The messages one received that instilled the need to be ‘perfect’, might have been very subtle, yet powerful all the same, and disguised under the mask of the good intentions of an ‘achievement oriented’ family, school or society. On the surface it might well have appeared to be a very healthy dynamic. After all, how can being inspired to achieve and maintain a very high standard be anything but helpful? It can indeed be beneficial for the outworking of one’s life, but not if the overarching directive is needing to be, and perform, in a certain way to earn acceptance, inclusion and love.

The child has to trust the parents upon whom they depend, so is more likely to turn any angst against themselves than towards their caregivers. And if the parents (the ‘gods’) are doubted, or significant anger felt towards them, an internal and persistent (and unconscious) guilt can develop in the child. ‘Love thy parents’ holds very firm in the collective unconscious and the young child, at some level, knows that they have enacted a major transgression of this rule if they feel anger or lack of trust towards the parent. This might result in a vicious cycle where they learnt to trade off the expected punishment by others for self-punishment and then, in turn, trade off self-punishment for perfectionism (which is actually a form of self-punishment).

“If I am perfect and don’t rock the boat and don’t demonstrate my inherent flaws, maybe they won’t notice them and maybe I will escape the dire consequences if they did.”

The field of influence is much broader than our individual families and includes ancestral, institutional, educational and general societal beliefs, values, mores and directives. And, of course, we all have our individual predispositions and all respond differently to our experiences and influences. One might have gone down the path of being the radical rebel in response to experiences similar to the ones that might have led others to the behavioural pattern of perfectionism and ‘people-pleasing’ tendencies. Others might have been little affected and just remained true to their authentic selves despite the circumstances. There are myriad influences on who we are and how we respond to our experiences.

We often extrapolate this dynamic of perfectionism, learnt in our formative years, onto society as a whole and its various institutions - particularly if they represent authority and control. For me it was the medical profession. In deciding to become a medical doctor, I chose the perfect profession within which to play out my perfectionism. My perfectionism was fuelled by my profession’s (and society’s) expectation that we, at all times, conduct the practice of medicine perfectly, have perfect knowledge and perfect solutions to people’s manifold problems (all in a ten-minute consultation!). Of course, this is not humanly possible but we perfectionists put the pressure on ourselves to comply with perfectionistic expectations. A pervading fear of making a mistake, harming another and being punished can drive perfectionism.

I have known doctors who have committed suicide in response to having made a significant error in medical judgment or having been accused of such or blamed for an unlucky incident. Maybe they had perfectionistic standards and self-esteems that were further battered by a system that could be merciless; and could not endure the guilt engendered by these unfortunate events. Perfectionists have a very hard time in accepting their humanness and forgiving themselves for their human mistakes. We can only ever do our very best. No more. Of course, the stakes are very high in the health care arena and the finger of blame so easily pointed, with outcomes considered reprehensible, and punishment severe, if we make a human mistake.

In addition to causing significant tension and lack of wellbeing, perfectionism, if marked, will very often predispose one to anxiety, depression and various physical maladies.

Perfectionism creates great tension in the mind-body. Striving to maintain perfectionistic standards from a fear-based perspective keeps the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) in overdrive and this can have significant adverse effects on one’s health and wellbeing. I used to see this often in clinic and patients were often unaware that the habit of perfectionism was adversely affecting their health.

SNS overdrive, which puts one in a perpetual state of ‘fight or flight’, is a catabolic, energy depleting state and, if maintained, will adversely affect many body systems. Particularly, the gastrointestinal, endocrine and immunological systems are affected. Many perfectionists have chronic gastrointestinal issues, as good functioning of the gastrointestinal tract requires healthy parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) tone to achieve a state of balanced functioning, relaxation and repair. If one defaults predominantly to a freeze-type response this will tend to slow or shut down some of physiological systems and, I am sure, contributes to many of the fatigue syndromes. The body will express what the psyche has trouble acknowledging and dealing with.

Perfectionists are often in a defensive mode psychologically and biologically and, from a mind-body perspective, this will affect the immune system and make one predisposed to inflammation. ‘Inflammation’ is one of the new buzzwords in the health care world, and we well know that chronic inflammation underlies many chronic diseases. Perfectionism, or more so the lack of self-worth and self-punishment that underlie it, will also predispose one to a variety of autoimmune diseases.

When our bodies are in SNS overdrive or shut-down freeze, inflamed and with impaired immune defences, this will make us prone to a variety of other health challenges including various chronic ‘stealth’ infections and dietary and environmental sensitivities. In the extreme, this can become a vicious cycle that can contribute to chronic un-wellness until it is properly addressed. Avoidance of the offending substances/agents and elimination of the associated chronic infections, though this might be helpful, is never the complete answer.

Perfectionism will also make one more prone to the chronic fatigue like illnesses. If one is approaching an area of life that might, in some way, expose them to scrutiny and potentially prove to others that they are not ‘perfect’ they will (unconsciously) find a way to withdraw from the challenge and the body will respond in kind. Thus, they will not be subject to the feared and projected dire consequences. Marked fatigue is an unwitting way of escaping a situation that is perceived as another potential threat to one’s already depleted energy resources, one’s self-esteem and the potential adverse judgments from others. I do need to emphasise that this is an unconscious process and a deeply held survival tactic.

The adult intellect well understands that perfectionism is not necessary for our survival, that is it normal to make mistakes from which we learn and grow; however, the part of our being, where these habituated patterns reside, works at a completely different level to that of the adult intellect and will hold firm to what it feels is necessary for its survival. Very firm. At a primal, unconscious level of our being, this really is a life and death battle, as our biggest threat to survival was being rejected and cast out by ‘the tribe’. Our survival instincts are such that any means and methods to which we attach our very survival, will become very entrenched.

 This habit of perfectionism is one that might run us well into adulthood - until it reaches our awareness and understanding. Even then, this pattern is very tenacious, as the unconscious mind will hold very firm to what it feels is maintaining one’s survival. What remains unresolved from childhood will stay, at that level, tucked away in the unconscious mind, from where it exerts a potent ongoing influence on one’s beliefs, perceptions and behaviours for the rest of one’s life. Awareness is key but this alone will not necessarily turn that pattern around. Often some form of trauma therapy, ‘shadow work’, deep emotional processing and skilful coaching is necessary to uproot this pattern.

It is important to note that we will never actually get that acceptance, or be valued in the way that we had hoped and as the child would have wanted; because the name of the game is to NOT get that approval from others - forcing us to finally give it to ourselves. Ultimately, the acceptance we seek is an internal job.

Peeling off those layers of our false self can feel like peeling off our skin, exposing the vulnerable belly of our unfamiliar self to the glare of exposure. We must expect that this exposure of our more authentic self will not necessarily be received well by others, particularly those whose agendas are served by our maintaining our perfectionistic false selves. Many others prefer us to remain as who they perceived us to be and continue the roles that suit them. But whose opinion counts?

As said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to do things well, or even very well. However, there is a huge difference between wanting to do things well for the love of it, inspired by enthusiasm and joy - and feeling that we need to do things very well for the purpose of gaining acceptance or even recognition and approval. The former is life embracing, the latter fear based.

Perfectionism certainly does not reach every area of my life and some of my perfectionistic traits have served me very well. My perfectionism has helped me to apply diligence and precision to certain projects and areas of my life and helped me to be a conscientious health care practitioner. If this quality is matched with purpose and enthusiasm it makes for a productive and enjoyable way to approach things. But some of those tendencies have not at all served me well and have, at times, worn me down.

Be patient. Those habits of trying to be whom we believe others will accept (which by the way will never work in the long run!) are often firmly entrenched in the unconscious recesses of our mind and are, thus, very tenacious. Awareness is key and the the starting point of turning that ship around.

Tips:

-       Do not throw that baby out with the bath water. It is absolutely fine to want to do things well – but better out of joyful enthusiasm than fear. Be proud of doing things well, or at least, trying your best.

-       At the end of the day, we can only do our best, no more.

-       Accept your foibles, including being a ‘perfectionist’. Paradox though it is, this is the point of change. If we strive to get rid of our ‘perfectionism’ (especially if it is to get others’ approval) we are just re-applying perfectionism through the back door.

-       Find something small, fun and heart-aligned to do on a regular basis. This will start to bring you back to your authenticity and align you with what you really love to do, while you work on the bigger stuff.

-       Mix up routines, do something novel, get messy. This will help re-wire the brain and loosen those entrenched, rigid habits of perfectionism.

-       Humour and lightness. We are all a work in progress, with something to work on, and it helps to sometimes take a step back and laugh at ourselves. Perfectionism is very tension promoting whereas lightness begets relaxation. Easing the intensity will make a happier ride for ourselves as we go about our ongoing learning and development in Earth school.

-       Be aware of the ‘perfection in the imperfection’, meaning that whoever we are, and whatever we are experiencing in the moment, will be a means of learning and evolving for ourselves and others.

-       We all learn, and teach others, through our mistakes and imperfections – note above. Sometimes we most teach others by demonstrating what not to do and how not to be. Ouch!

-       Don’t take your personal journey so – personally.  Note above. We are all just bit players in a much larger field.

-       Realise that, ultimately, it is we who are applying the pressure on ourselves and it is we who have to take that pressure off. Those external voices, that might have propelled us to perfectionism, have long ago become the internal voice.

-       Unconditional self-love (imperfections and all!) is the bottom line – a rare commodity, so don’t beat yourself up if you do not achieve it overnight.

Dr Catherine Fyans is a retired medical practitioner, trauma therapist, mind-body consultant and the author of ‘The Wounding of Health Care: From Fragmentation to Integration’